Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Funny

I was going to post a picture for Wordless Wednesday but I'm too lazy to go upstairs, get the camera, process & edit the picture, etc. So I'm going to post this thing I got from Becky, who got it from here.

So basically what I'm saying is that, although I am too lazy to get a picture of my daughter off my camera, I am not too lazy to play on the computer. As long as we're all clear on that. Here is my bus picture. And it made me laugh too, Becky, but I don't think this is what the guy created this for.



So thank you all very much for your comments on my dethronement from Mother of the Year. Needless to say, I was saying that with tongue firmly in cheek. The only way I'd become MOTY is if every other mother on the planet were deceased. Monday was a very bad day. Yesterday was marginally better. Today? Hard to say, but so far it's been ok.

I wasn't going to mention this today because at one point today I did have the desire to put that picture up here and I thought I'd talk about it tomorrow. But since I'm not putting Keziah's picture up (it's sounding like a really cool picture, which it's not, it's just the picture I wanted to download today), I figure I'll talk about it now.

Fourteen years ago, I was due to have a baby on or around this day. Unfortunately, the pregnancy didn't progress and I miscarried earlier in the year. Losing that baby really rocked my world. It still does. Around this time every year, I have a sort of a fugue, where I'm even more absent than usual and my mood is just atrocious. Perhaps that contributed to my issues on Monday (but I think that a certain child also bears responsibility for that).

It's weird to think about a baby that never was born. If I had had that baby, we wouldn't now have Rachel. I think that I'm the only person who really remembers the baby that wasn't (plus the other baby that wasn't) and sometimes the hope of seeing them in Heaven has been one of the ways that I've been able to stay on the straight and narrow. The thing that I can't get people to believe is that losing that baby still affects me.

I don't know if other people are the same in this, although I have read in the miscarriage literature that it is not uncommon for this fugue thing to happen. It's as though your body or your unconscious is remembering even if you are not consciously remembering yourself. And although that is a yearly issue (well, actually, a thrice yearly issue, but that's another story) that I have to deal with, once I realize what is happening, I don't mind so much. I'm not falling down a dark hole of depression, I'm remembering that I'm a mom with a baby I've never seen and will not see this side of Heaven. I'm cool with remembering that.

2 comments:

acceptancewithjoy said...

I am on that bus! It is a long slow trip but I am quite sure before I reach the home for the aged and befuddled, I will have arrived.

I don't suspect there is anything rare or unusual about grieving during the anniversary of a loss or on the child's due date are at all abnormal. We think of grieving as linear, but it seems to me it is much messier than that. Praying for a return to peace ~

Trish said...

I am so glad I stopped by to read this whole post Lori.
I get it ...(hugs to you)

"The thing that I can't get people to believe is that losing that baby still affects me." - me too

"I don't know if other people are the same in this, although I have read in the miscarriage literature that it is not uncommon for this fugue thing to happen." you are absolutely right - we can grieve the hopes and dreams we had for our baby for the rest of our life.


"It's as though your body or your unconscious is remembering even if you are not consciously remembering yourself." yes!

" I'm not falling down a dark hole of depression, I'm remembering that I'm a mom with a baby I've never seen and will not see this side of Heaven. I'm cool with remembering that." this is beautiful.

I will go light a candle for you and your 'angel' baby now.

Thank you for sharing your feelings.