Wednesday, October 14, 2009

First, an apology

I am so very sorry for putting up such an explosive blog post last night. Y'all are such wonderful people to come on here and/or call to check on me and I am sorry to have upset you. Thank you for being such wonderful sisters!

It has been a very difficult week. I am taking a class on Monday nights which, among other things, is supposed to be improving my communication skills. It's a good class, but stressful for me and Monday night I did extremely poorly on the on-your-feet communication segment. Apparently I was the very worst one in the class because I got the most (negative) feedback and had to redo about half of it. I barely got out of there without bawling, I tell you. And then it just preyed on my mind for the rest of the night and through the next day.

I think the reason it hit me so hard was that I used to be quite good at public speaking (there are about 20 ladies in the class and about 4 facilitators, so it's a little bit of a public speaking thing). Perhaps it was something I was proud of, I don't know. But it didn't bother me so much to get up and talk in front of people. I did the pre-work and thought I was ready, then got up there, stunk it up, and got major correction for it. While the correction was difficult, the more troubling part was the thought afterward that this was yet another situation in which my skills have diminished, branding me with the big "L" again.

Yes, I know I shouldn't get so bent out of shape. I'm working on it, truly.

So yesterday, the children had been bickering all day and I finally thought, "Why? Why did I have children? I could be this professional woman, wearing nice clothes, having a life where I get kudos for what I do. Instead, I have failed at training these children like I've failed at everything else my hand has touched." I don't remember what the final straw was, but I just left, drove around a bit, thought a lot, and prayed a lot. And before I did all of that, I left that post up. Again, I apologize.

It was further humbling to find out, when I got home, that only one of the five children had perceived that I was reacting to their bad behavior and the one who knew it was not the major offender. So the whole exercise had been pointless. I think it must be my week to put myself into humiliating situations.

I have been trying to tell myself that this is part of some refinement strategy for me and I will come out of it better than I went in. But who likes to go through such a process? Not me! Just make me perfect, Lord, now!

So there it is...thank you all for being so generous and understanding in the midst of my hissy fit. I will try not to do that again.

Love you all, very much,


Ohio_Momto3boys said...

Been there, sworn about that...

msta62 said...

Sorry you're having such a stressful time right now! I can relate! Not about the children part - but in my own situation. Please take care & breeeeathe! Hugs from afar :-)