Saturday, September 14, 2013

Baby steps

Well, here we are...I'm basically putting one foot in front of the other and walking straight ahead. I don't think it's all Cherylyn's passing. I have a wretched cold right now that laid me flat for a couple of days. Now I'm trying to play catch-up and get ahead and everything else.

But some of it is Cherylyn's passing.

While I was talking to David yesterday, I spotted a birthday card she'd sent him last year, complete with handwritten message. I must have had a weird look on my face because David said, "What? What's wrong?" Then he saw the card and asked me if I was sad. Yes, son, I'm sad. But it hits me at random times, unpredictably. I try not to shove it down because I know it'll come back and not better for the break, but I also don't want to fall apart at the library or in front of my son. So I guess there are times when I do try to cram it down at least until I can get to a place where I can grieve in private.

And then there are the other lovely bits of depressive behavior that I continue to have: sleeping too much, lack of interest in things previously of interest, lack of appropriate affect. I'm trying, I really am, but I don't want to do anything but sleep. I don't even want to read all that much and that is amazing. I'm just not going full force right now. I guess it's not crucial that I do. Obviously, life goes on without my processing totally, but I hate being so dazed and confused all the time.

One positive thing of note: I retaught myself to knit and have been working on that sporadically. It doesn't get my other projects finished or started, but it's quick and soothing. So far, I've just done a couple of lime green (happy color!) dishcloths but maybe I'll get back to, and finally finish, Doug's sweater. I've only been working on it for 5 years or so...

Hope you all are doing well. Make sure the people you love know it. That was one saving grace with Cherylyn and me...we always always said we loved each other. Sometimes it felt excessive but now it feels comforting.


Cynthia Meents said...

Awww, girl! I know this is a tough time. I'm battling it out one day at a time too, and I don't have the death of a dear friend to compound the difficulty. You're not alone, you are loved, and you will get through. Think how much harder this would be if Jesus were not our friend. Hugs and kisses! I love you.

A-M said...

Hi - it's A-M. I am so sorry about the loss of your friend. But at the same time, I'm so glad you have had someone so dear and special in your life. I think I have an understanding of what her friendship means to you - and I'm definitely able to "see" her wonderful spirit through your reflections of her. The Henry Van Dyke reading from the memorial seems imminently appropriate to her and her life, and it resonated with me in a deeply meaningful way. Thank you for sharing it.