Panic Attack

At the beginning of this, I will acknowledge that worry does no good and is sinful. I'm working on it.

There is a reason that I'm not typically an optimist. It's because, when I show outward optimism, I usually get shown why it's a dangerous thing to be optimistic. Yesterday, I was quite optimistic that David's check up would be routine and that was wrong. I found that he was beginning another relapse of his nephrotic syndrome and the doctor was a little ticked that I hadn't been testing his urine all along. I'm a little ticked about that as well, since he's quite swollen and cranky today. But, as Doug reminded me, I've always tested it when it looked like his weight was going up or he was swollen, neither of which was the case here. My new hypothesis is to test him when he gets a virus because that is when he relapses.

So, not only is he not going to be taken off the steroids for a while, he will probably be on a higher dose come Monday. They want to see how he does this weekend before they increase the dose or, alternatively, put him on some other scary-sounding stuff because this is the second relapse he's had.

I know I can't control his getting viruses (although, to an extent, I can control his exposure to them) but it's just maddening to have this happening and embarrassing that I was blindsided with the information.

Optimism does not pay.

In addition, I'm getting more than a little freaked out about Sarah's school this year. She'll be doing 9th grade work in most of her classes, which in my day was high school. I know it's probably middle school now but in my mind, it's high school. I think we'd be having a blast this year (lots of fun reading and discussion) but I'm trying to weigh that with the needs of her 4 siblings, father, and hey, even myself.

So I've got a panic attack brewing.

I haven't had one of these in maybe 5 years. It's not pleasant and I'm also very irritated at myself for having it happen. Not only will it make me unproductive when I really need to be, but it will probably make me even more freakish at the bridal shower that Danielle is giving in an hour. I really really really don't want to go. Nothing on Danielle or the bride, all about my own inadequacies as a person.

Nevertheless, I am bucking up, getting ready, and going. I'm hoping that if I can just continue to do what I need to do, that the panic and other negative emotions surrounding having to be with people when I'm not at my best will dissipate. That's what I'm hoping, anyway.

So have a good weekend, for me anyway.