Saturday, August 11, 2007

Panic Attack

At the beginning of this, I will acknowledge that worry does no good and is sinful. I'm working on it.

There is a reason that I'm not typically an optimist. It's because, when I show outward optimism, I usually get shown why it's a dangerous thing to be optimistic. Yesterday, I was quite optimistic that David's check up would be routine and that was wrong. I found that he was beginning another relapse of his nephrotic syndrome and the doctor was a little ticked that I hadn't been testing his urine all along. I'm a little ticked about that as well, since he's quite swollen and cranky today. But, as Doug reminded me, I've always tested it when it looked like his weight was going up or he was swollen, neither of which was the case here. My new hypothesis is to test him when he gets a virus because that is when he relapses.

So, not only is he not going to be taken off the steroids for a while, he will probably be on a higher dose come Monday. They want to see how he does this weekend before they increase the dose or, alternatively, put him on some other scary-sounding stuff because this is the second relapse he's had.

I know I can't control his getting viruses (although, to an extent, I can control his exposure to them) but it's just maddening to have this happening and embarrassing that I was blindsided with the information.

Optimism does not pay.

In addition, I'm getting more than a little freaked out about Sarah's school this year. She'll be doing 9th grade work in most of her classes, which in my day was high school. I know it's probably middle school now but in my mind, it's high school. I think we'd be having a blast this year (lots of fun reading and discussion) but I'm trying to weigh that with the needs of her 4 siblings, father, and hey, even myself.

So I've got a panic attack brewing.

I haven't had one of these in maybe 5 years. It's not pleasant and I'm also very irritated at myself for having it happen. Not only will it make me unproductive when I really need to be, but it will probably make me even more freakish at the bridal shower that Danielle is giving in an hour. I really really really don't want to go. Nothing on Danielle or the bride, all about my own inadequacies as a person.

Nevertheless, I am bucking up, getting ready, and going. I'm hoping that if I can just continue to do what I need to do, that the panic and other negative emotions surrounding having to be with people when I'm not at my best will dissipate. That's what I'm hoping, anyway.

So have a good weekend, for me anyway.

Lori siggie


Training Hearts said...

Praying that your panic feeling will subside quickly!

Enjoy your weekend,

Gina said...

Don't be so hard on yourself! Like you said, he didn't have any symptoms. The important thing is they caught it and its getting taken care of.

I'll throw this idea out about Sarah...

Could you squeeze out one evening a week (or every other week) where the two of you go out to dinner (or ice cream) to talk books and stuff? I bet both of you would enjoy the 1x1 together.

amy said...

LOve your blog, try emailing me again your address tonight at or

love your blog!

cakeandcrown said...

my prayers are on your side and also the increasing understanding that we have inherited much the same brain. Bah.

Hang in there and love.

Also, I had a little church lady party and my newish friend Jamaica who told of moving here from Ohio.
It was very cool to say all casual like, "Oh, I have a cousin in Ohio."

I'm going to spend more time trying to be grateful, it'll be the perfect time when Camille is sad just getting back from her Daddy's to get back into our gratitude list habit. As far as good habits go, it's easier than 8 glasses of water a day.