Sunday, November 16, 2008

Tell me what you think

My husband thinks this is too sarcastic to send.  What do y'all think?  (He said I could send it but it seemed more confrontive than he is accustomed to doing himself.)

Dear Ms. Zimmerman:

I have been an Enquirer subscriber on and off since we moved to this area in 1996.  More recently I have become interested in the coupon inserts in the Sunday paper and have attempted to order two copies of the Sunday paper to be delivered to my home.  Formerly, the carrier did not have a problem with this.  Sadly this is no longer the case.  Every Sunday since the last time I began a Sunday subscription, one Sunday paper has been delivered to my home.  Every Sunday I call and tell your very kind customer service representatives that I ordered two papers and received only one and they apologize and have another one sent out to me.  This Sunday began in much the same way, except that now, at almost 1:30 PM, I still have not received my second copy of the Sunday paper.  To add insult to injury, when I phoned your call center to tell them yet again that this was the case, I got a message which I’m sure y’all feel to be soothing but which only serves to further irritate the already irritated customer.  To wit:  “We’re sorry but our office is now closed.  Please call tomorrow and make a note of our hours.”  I know it does not say this on the message but in my mind I hear appended to that, “You moron, you should have called before noon.”

Sorry, a little off-track.  I would call before noon but I am in worship services then and would not know if the second copy of my paper is lying on my driveway or not.  I feel, therefore, that I have no other alternative but to 1) suck it up and take the loss of the second Sunday paper which, I point out, I have paid for or 2) cancel my subscription.  I suppose that I could continue this highly stimulating relationship which I have developed with your circulation department but I am afraid that if I do, I will literally blow my top at some point soon and that would be very messy and debilitating to my life.

I would, therefore, ask you to 1) please have the second of today’s Sunday papers delivered and 2) to somehow convince the carrier that the cranky lady really does want two (that would be one plus one or 1 + 1) papers on Sunday and she’s not a) wrong or b) changing her mind.  If these two conditions are not amenable, I suppose I will be forced to buy my own papers at Kroger on Sunday afternoon and save us all the wear and tear on our nerves and automobiles.

Best wishes,
My very ownsome name here

(Note:  This is for the Cincinnati Enquirer, the large local newspaper in this area and not for the National Enquirer, which is a large tabloid in this country.)


acceptancewithjoy said...

I do appreciate good sarcasm, but I have learned that it usually doesn't produce the fruit I desire. So, I generally write something much like you just have and then spend way too much time amending my thoughts and making me somewhat sane and agreeable.

Life is so hard when other people cannot do their job!

msta62 said...

We are soooo much alike. This absolutely drips with a dry sarcasm and I absolutely love how you have written it. Don't know if we both have this "flaw" (some might say). But I'd send it off - absolutely!! :-) Obviously they are having the hardest time with this delivery, so they need to be told off. Right? At my sister's now. Happy Tuesday Cousin L.