I've actually been thinking a lot about writing, about this blog, about all sorts of things. When I finished my volunteer stint at the library this afternoon, I had an overwhelming desire to sit at a library computer and update. Here I am.
I seem to be in the midst of a full-blown mid-life crisis. That's all I can think it is. Everything seems like such an effort and I'm slogging through my life as if I was mired in molasses. I was going to say, "grieving". It sort of feels overwhelming like grief but not like grief in other ways. And it makes me sad.
I know that these years are going to be very precious to me in years to come and I want to enjoy them. It seems, though, that this black cloud hanging over me obscures that most of the time. Occasionally I can ascend over it and see the bigger picture, but in the day-to-day, I'm low on the mountain.
My girls are growing up! My boy is growing up! Sarah will be 20 in April, Rachel 18 in March, and Abigail 14 in May. The twins will be 9 but not until September. I don't think I'm in any danger of losing them anytime soon, to their moving out and such like, but this time will be so very brief. They're young adults and mid-teens and then the twins are changing as well. They aren't changing as quickly as their older sisters so I don't always feel such a sense of panic about them. Perhaps I should.
Yes, I take anti-depressants and yes I do therapy. Yes, yes, yes. It's not that it doesn't help, I think I'm just wigging out more than usual.
So what are the problems? I don't feel important at all. I know, in some place in my rational self, that I am important and special to my family and dear friends. But I don't *feel* it, you know. Or I just take it for granted and want more. How greedy. Yes, there are many times that I can't stand myself, but that is old news indeed.
I have this weird back-and-forth between feeling that the time is going away too fast, that I'm old and where did my life go, and feeling like I'm just done with the whole thing. Am I suicidal? No, not exactly. But death does not seem an enemy either.
I will say that I woke up this morning feeling wonderful, peaceful, and light. Probably that is why I felt like I had enough energy to go on through my plans for the day. And I don't want to let the view from the top of the mountain fade away so I will stop.
I hope that, wherever y'all are, that you are experiencing love and peace.