Friday, August 02, 2013

Tales from the dark side

Depression has been my constant companion through life. Or at least through the part of my life when I had hormones. I don't recall being depressed when I was a child, but I was as a teen. Some times I do better than others. This is not one of those times.

I really don't know what my deal is these days. Or perhaps I do, but I don't know why the negativity is striking now. I've had two good days this week. On both days, I got a lot of physical exercise and I did work for other people. These things seem to work for me, at least in tandem, to improve my mood. But I cannot work/volunteer for others every day of the world. I've got way too much to do for myself and my family. And I really hate exercise. I mean, hate it. The exercise I was doing on those two days was gardening and throwing hay bales on a hay wagon. I was doing it with other people and we were having a good time. And I felt like I was actually useful for a change.

In a lot of my life I feel useless. I don't think my kids really need me; they certainly don't listen to me any more. I hate homeschooling a lot of the time, usually because the kids are constantly bitching at me about it and generally endeavoring to make it more difficult than it has to be. My husband loves me. God bless him, he is an amazing man. And he deserves better. I am quite possibly the worst housekeeper I know. I hate cleaning house. I hate organizing things. I hate the mess that we're in because of the prior two opinions. There it is. I don't feel like I'm really good at anything that I'm doing right now and so all I want to do is read, eat, and sleep.

When I first envisioned this blog post, I thought about how depression feels. I wondered if I could describe it. It is like having smoked glass over your eyes all the time. Nothing looks good, nothing looks bright. Everything feels like I'm submerged in some sort of cold, oxygen-deprived liquid. I'm living, but only just. Everything EVERYthing EVERYTHING is ruined. I hate it when the kids ruin something of mine. I hate it more when my emotions ruin everything in my life. But it doesn't seem like I can get past it. It doesn't feel like I can ever fully be free of the "black dog" or the "black clouds" that constantly follow and envelop me.

And now I am going to go to bed and hope I am seeing things brighter in the morning.


Angela said...

Lori, I appreciate you, your honesty and bluntness! I can relate with a lot of what you are saying and feeling. My depression is reasonably mild, but the feeling of uselessness is just as strong. I know all the right things to say and do. I know what Truth is and what lies the enemy whispers in my ear. And yet, somehow, it is still a struggle of varying degrees. {{{hugs}}}

Cynthia Meents said...

Love you, Lori! And if it helps, I have 100 kids who don't want to learn what I want to teach. It's what kids do.
I could go point by point and argue with you, but we both know there's nothing rational about our feelings. Depression is a liar, and we do our best to remember that and ignore the lies. That doesn't always work though.

Anyway, your children need you, your husband needs you, and I need you! You touch so many lives in ways you don't even recognize.

Consider yourself hugged! Tightly!